Happier at Home =)

I’m posting a little late, but better late than never!

A couple wedding sites that you must know about if you’re planning a wedding:

www.theknot.com

www.greenweddingshoes.com

I’m obsessed with the green wedding shoes site. I was on it for hours today getting creative ideas for how to decorate my wedding. The site has a ton of ideas from southern California weddings, and the pictures are beautiful!

On a separate note, I didn’t have any bad dreams last night!!

I think that devotional really helped to put me back on the right track.

I’ve spent the last week back at school and living in my apartment. Three girls, one bathroom with a drizzly/drippy showerhead, and two big dogs can get to be very unnerving. Not to mention when it is four in the morning and someone in the apartment above you decides to have the loudest sex imaginable and you can’t fall asleep out of fear of your ceiling light fixtures falling onto you. Seriously. I am not going to miss this.

My future in-laws missed me while I was gone. So, today I came back to see them. Israel is out of town until the 31st, so I am sleeping in his room!

His nephew had a basketball game today. It’s hilarious to watch six-year-old boys try to play basketball.

Israel also has two nieces. The youngest niece, Olivia, 4, saw my engagement ring for the first time today and freaked out.

She said, “You married uncle Israel and you didn’t bring us?!?” It was cute. She’s really excited about being the flower girl. So the thought of being left out of the wedding scared her.

The other day, his niece Gabrielle asked me if she could call me “Aunt Ashley” when I marry her uncle. I’m excited to be marrying into a close-knit family. When I was growing up, my dad moved my mom, sister and me all over the country. He worked with American Airlines, and the company constantly moved us for some reason. I love traveling now, but I have never had a real sense of consistency when it comes to friendships or even family.

My grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins all live in Washington state. My parents moved to Colorado in 2006 and left me in Oklahoma. I had plans to go to Pepperdine out in Malibu, CA. I got accepted, but who knew a private university in Cali could be expensive? Ha. So, scholarships and open doors made me stay. I was confused with God and why he wouldn’t open wider doors for me out in California, but it’s clear to me now why He didn’t.

A man makes plans in his heart, but the Lord directs his steps. -Proverbs 16:9

I felt so down this past week, but today when I walked into Israel’s parents’ house, I felt SO much better. His mom and sister made lunch-homemade manicotti and a fresh salad. The whole house smelled wonderful. The smell alone made my stomach feel satisfied. This reminds me of another thing I love about Israel. He loves to cook with me. I enjoy cooking alone, but I really enjoy cooking with him. Last summer, we would spend the afternoon picking out different recipes to try. Then, we’d take a bunch of different recipes for the same dish and create our own. It was fun!

Ohh… and if you like hot/spicy food, just add Sriracha sauce. Seriously. I add it to EVERYTHING now. It’s AMAZING. You can find it by the Asian food in Wal-Mart. It’s in a red bottle with a chicken on it…or some type of bird (& I don’t know if I spelled Sriracha right). But try it and let me know if you like it!

I didn’t really know what was keeping me down all week. I’m sure it was a medley of things. Honestly though, when I got to Israel’s parents’ house, I felt this huge weight lift off of me. His family brings so much peace to my life, and so much love.

Sometimes, I admit, I need a break because they make me feel a little too loved to where I feel caged in like a child.I understand, they only love me and want what is best for me, but they must also realize that I am not there son. He might have been a well-behaved child, but I was rebellious. I wanted to do things on my own and I didn’t like being told what to do, or what was “best for me.” I was immature, and thank God I’ve grown up a little.

It’s nice to have a family again.

It’s been more than four years since I’ve had one around. I just did my own thing. I wandered around living out of my car on weekends and during summer break from college. I traveled from state to state to visit old friends and to go to music festivals, etc. I enjoyed that lifestyle while I had it. Then, my eyes slowly opened to how quickly that life can turn on you, and how empty that life really is…

…and about that time, when I was just a cynical, faithless little girl with a broken view of life, God sent me a message that he still loved me and that goodness exists in our fallen world. He sent me my love.

Oh… and now I’m making this post longer than I wanted to!

I have to tell you that Israel and I only dated about three weeks before breaking up. We were watching GodTV together, and that’s when I knew I couldn’t be with him. He had such a strong faith that Jesus Christ is our Savior. I didn’t, and I knew that to have a working relationship with him, I would need to have that kind of faith. So…I said we’d be better as friends, and he agreed.

I spent that whole night crying. I new that fear and doubt made me cut off something that could have changed my entire life. I knew from the first day that he could be the one I’d marry. Though at the time, marriage was not even in my 10-year plan.

We stayed friends. Over the months, we became best friends. I decided to start opening my mind up to finding out more about the Jesus I used to love. I read The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren and things began to change. I began to see God’s handiwork in my life and in the lives of others. I started to see how faith changes the world. I saw how running to the Word of God like it is truly your daily bread gives you strength for the day. The closer I drew to God, the more the shattered pieces of my past were brought back together. The closer I drew to God, the closer He held me. My eyes continued to be opened to how entirely wrong I was.

Then, one night, I just broke down. I saw how terrible I had been. I was rebellious and selfish. I lived by all of my own desires, and I felt no shame. But when I saw how God had been there all along, that’s when I cried. How could He love me when I was so bad? How could He show me so much love? He did! I didn’t deserve another breath. When I realized all of this, His grace brought me to my knees and I was overwhelmed by his love and mercy.

That moment is one that I will never let myself forget. As Christians, I think we have a hard time remembering where we’ve been. We don’t like to look back. Too often, I see Christians look at others with pity, or more, a contemptuous pity…and not LOVE. It is Christ’s endless, unconditional LOVE that brought me to my knees. We could have been born into any family, of any religion/race/class, the circumstances under which we’ve been raised have shaped our view of the world and how we live in it. If it wasn’t for the love of Christ coming after me, I would’ve stayed lost and searching for something to fill the emptiness inside of me.

I’ve had people tell me about Jesus and how much He loves me, but that never opened my eyes. It made me feel defensive. No one likes to feel like they are being “saved” from anything…especially when they don’t believe there is anything to be “saved” from in the first place. I felt like people were being too intrusive. I felt like I was being made inferior and put on the other side of an invisible wall. Though I was wrong, being told so wasn’t going to make me realize it.

Urgently telling me about the end of times would no better bring me to Christ than shaking a fishing hook at a fish would help to catch it. It scared me away from all that I thought I knew. Like the story of the prodigal son, I didn’t want to return home to my Father.

Israel was very open about his faith in God, but he never shoved it down my throat. He lives in a way that is consistent with how he speaks. He treats everyone with the love of Christ. I’ve really never met anyone like that. He made me want to know Jesus. If Israel and I would’ve been more than friends, I don’t think I would’ve found my way back to God like I did. I had to return to my first love, Jesus, before He could open my eyes to someone who could love me as He does here on earth.

Changing My Focus

I had more dreams about my ex last night. I don’t understand why I dream about him. I literally almost get sick when I think of him. These dreams are so sneaky!

They may be cleansing my mind of subconscious, cynical thoughts about marriage and love by bringing them to the surface and using the guy who put them there in the first place. Surely, that’s what is going on.

But I’m forgetting Israel. These dreams are becoming more and more real, and Israel is becoming more and more a dream.

I fell asleep last night at 8, and Israel and I didn’t get to talk. I need him to come home. My heart is aching with him away. I forget how close we are.

This morning, I woke up and my mind was on everything that has been keeping me down. I’ve been feeling like I need to spend more time with the Lord.

Before Israel proposed to me, I spent each day getting closer and closer to God. It wasn’t until Israel and I had both separately grown in our relationships with the Lord that he gave us the desire of our heart, which was to be together. He gave us clarity about each other when we gave our hearts completely to Him.

Now that I am engaged, I can’t just let my relationship with my Savior fall to the wayside. I should stay strong in Him so that He can strengthen my relationship with Israel in the places that I am weak.

I got into the Word this morning.

I read about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. He was in extreme anguish and distress and he turned to his Father.

I’ve turned everywhere but to my Father lately. I’ve talked to my parents and to my friends…and to this computer. I have missed Israel so incredibly much, but I haven’t gone to God with my worry.

When we are worried or afraid, immediately, we need to look to our Lord. He will give us the strength we need to make it through whatever it is that we are going through. We have to take our eyes off of our situation and look to the destination…where we will end up AFTER the struggling is over.

Here is an example that I read today:

When you are golfing…(if you golf…but even if you don’t, you’ll understand)…you don’t look at the trees when you are about to hit your ball. You look at the clearing. You look at where you want the ball to go.

Whatever the “trees” are in my life, in your life, we need to stop staring at them and look at the clearing! There is light at the end of whatever tunnel you’re in.

Proverbs 4:25, 27 -”Keep your eyes focused on what is right, and look straight ahead to what is good. Don’t turn off the road of goodness. Keep away from evil paths.”

Satan tries to distract us from our happiness by using worry and fear. He even tries to get into our heads by using bad dreams. I know the devil is trying to throw me off course. The impact Israel and I could have on the world is amazing, I know it! We could do awesome things for the Lord on our own, but even more awesome as a couple. As iron sharpens iron, so we sharpen one another. He and I are going to do amazing things together.

God is our protector and our strength. The devil will have to get through Him to get to us, and that, my friend, is NEVER going to happen.

Crazy Dreams

I haven’t been able to sleep peacefully since Israel left to go on tour. I have these crazy dreams every night about me marrying someone else and wishing I could be marrying Israel. Thankfully, I wake up relieved.

Last night, I had this dream that I was engaged to my ex, Tyler. In the dream, I ran into one of my old flames…and the spark was still there. I’m thinking this old flame could have represented Israel. Then, Tyler saw that I’d been texting this other guy and started sending really mean texts to him.

I got angry and wished that I could be marrying a musician. Tyler got mad and said that I must be a lesbian because I’m not attracted to aggression and I like sweet men.

Haha…dreams can be very weird.

It makes some sense though.

I was engaged to Tyler almost two years ago. I haven’t talked to him in more than a year, and looking back, I thank God for having a different plan for my life. These dreams I am having about getting married to him seriously stress me out. I wake up feeling like I am marrying the wrong guy, and then, I realize it was just a nightmare. Israel is never the guy in the dream that I don’t want to marry. Whew!

So maybe I don’t have subconscious second-thoughts about Israel, but maybe I do about marriage in general.

After Tyler, I was so cynical about love and relationships. Maybe these dreams are just a way of cleansing all of that cynicism out of me.

Plus, with Israel gone, I get lonely. He’s my best friend. When he is on the road, he is busy and I’m busy with school, so we don’t talk much. He’s busy traveling the country and touring record labels (aka Virgin!!-possibly more on that later).

I just can’t wait to get this semester over with. I’ll be able to go with him! Yeah, a tour bus with seven guys sounds a bit smelly and tightly packed, but it sounds like a huge adventure!

As far as wedding planning goes, I AM TAKING A BREAK!

Obviously, sleep can’t even take my mind off of weddings! I should be dreaming about political science and social justice issues, not who is marrying who or what my groomsmen’s suits look like! Whew! It’s exhausting!

Speaking of political science…I have a ton of reading…as in HUNDREDS of pages of reading. I’ll be back to write in a decade or so…if I survive this.

Ahh, I will write to you later!

P.S. I think the heater in my apartment is broken…or my roommates are preparing to live in the Arctic.

Proposal

I’m not sure if you’ll be curious or not, but I want to let you know how Israel proposed to me.

It was the 19th of December (it’s been a month now!)

The weather was absolutely gorgeous. It was the perfect day to go to the mountains. Israel thought it would be fun to exchange Christmas gifts on top of a mountain. We wanted to exchange gifts before he leaves for Oklahoma, and getting away from the fam to do so would be nice =)

He asked my dad where he should take me. We wanted to go somewhere with a gorgeous view.
We went up to Nederland, CO to Caribou mountain. We drove all the way up to the top to a little lookout that looked over a horizon of mountains and a long valley with a lake covered in broken pieces of ice.

Israel brought out his big box for me, and inside was a beautiful black coat. I loved it and was so excited. I had no idea what was coming later.

I gave him his present, and then, he had one more little present. He pulled out his phone and a set of headphones and told me to watch the video he made.

The video was a medley of video clips Israel had taken since we met. To go along with the video, Israel wrote & recorded a song about falling in love with me, and at the end of the song he asked me to marry him.
I started tearing up at the beginning of the video. At the end, he was kneeling in front of me with a little black box that held a sparkly engagement ring, and I  yes!
If I could have imagined a perfect proposal, I would have imagined this, but never in a million years would I have thought it would actually happen.

I fell for Israel the moment I saw him last April. He was standing close to the stage watching The Non play at the Norman Music Festival. Then, when I met him later that evening, his humble, quiet spirit made him stand out from the crowd. I was immediately intruiged. He held my glance as I talked to him and I would almost forget the words coming out of my mouth.

Above all, he loves the Lord. He brought me so much closer to God than I have ever been. I was so lost for so long and I didn’t even know it. I have so much peace in my soul and my spirit just from having Israel in my life. As long as we continue to put God first, I know that our relationship is completely unshakeable. I don’t deserve such a love. God’s grace put this wonderful man into my life.
Anything I have ever wanted in a husband, from the time I was a little girl, Israel has.
He is my best friend. He balances me and tamed my wandering heart. He leads me to God when I have troubles and I know he will safely hold my heart forever.

A Quick Hello…

I only have a few minutes until I need to leave for class, but let me introduce myself. My name is Ashley. I am getting married May 1 to my best friend, Israel. He is a musician, and right now he is on the road…thousands of miles away…in New York City.

Between wedding planning and taking what feels like a million hours in school, I have had little time to rest or to even gather my thoughts…and the semester has only just begun! I am in my second semester of my senior year of college. I should be graduating in May, but it looks like I will be a fifth year senior and graduating next December.

Last night, I was exhausted, and as I talked to Israel I just began to cry. I miss my best friend. It’s hard to be in school, and so unsure of whether or not the degree you are getting will even be able to get you a job when you get out. I’m majoring in broadcast journalism-and I’ve come to hate the news! Ha…what am I doing???

Today is the last day to drop classes with a full refund for this semester, and I have seriously considered it.

“But your so close!!” (That’s what everyone says when they hear about my dilemma)

I found out last night that Israel will be leaving for a month and a half long tour in mid-February, which means he will be gone on my birthday. I guess that’s the price you pay when you fall in love with a traveling musician.

When I am done with school, I will go with him. If I have to live off of Ramen noodles, I will do it!

Anyway, I need to get to class. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…

A&R guys are coming out to Israel’s show tonight from Virgin Records in NYC. I’ll be praying for Israel to have favor with them. Will you join me? We’re just a young couple in love with God, each other and music…and finances are, well, practically non-existent…for now, right?

I will write soon.

I think I’ll like this little blogging thing. =-)

-Ashley